The Other Side of Unwritten Rules
A few years ago, four of us were driving from Frankfurt to Luxembourg for a weekend trip. One of my friends was behind the wheel.
She carefully followed every traffic rule. The driver behind us clearly wanted to go faster and kept pressuring her. I remember her getting annoyed and saying:
“Where I come from, there are fewer rules on the road. I love rules. I want to follow the German rules.”
And as you can imagine, Germany has quite a few.
The funny thing is that having no rules—or having rules that are not enforced—can be a much greater burden than having good rules backed by strong institutions. Rules create order. They provide structure and predictability. They can make people feel safer. That is why, generally speaking, I like rules.
But this article is not really about those kinds of rules.
The Rules No One Writes Down
In many Western workplaces, formal codes of conduct define acceptable and unacceptable behavior. They are intended to reduce bullying, harassment, disrespect, and similar problems.
Of course, those things can still happen.
But I want to talk about something else.
The unwritten rules.
The rules that are never formally stated but that somehow everyone knows.
The rules imposed by office politics, management preferences, team dynamics, or simply workplace culture.
Not every unwritten rule is harmful. Some make cooperation possible. The dangerous ones are those that demand silence or self-erasure while remaining impossible to question.
Over the years, I have both witnessed and experienced the effects of these rules. There are environments in which certain ways of thinking, speaking, or working are quietly discouraged. No one explicitly tells you that you cannot express yourself freely. No one officially forbids innovation. Yet over time, you learn what is rewarded—and what is not.
When People Stop Speaking Up
I have watched people gradually stop speaking up.
One colleague in particular comes to mind. He was always extremely quiet. He rarely joined a discussion unless he absolutely had to. Most of the time, he sat in meetings with his microphone muted, reacting to whatever was being discussed with a smile but saying almost nothing.
Yet whenever he did speak, he spoke at length and covered the topic very broadly. I could not know why he was so quiet. But I began to wonder what the environment had taught him about speaking up.
I, on the other hand, generally liked to contribute when I thought I had something useful to add. My comments were usually quick and concise—although there were certainly moments when I later wished I had said less.
Not everything people say is smart, or even necessary. Still, I think it is better to have people contribute than to have everyone permanently on mute, listening but never engaging.
As you read this, do you recognize anyone? Or perhaps yourself?
Forgetting Who You Are
The problem with environments like these is that, little by little, you can begin to forget who you are.
The rules, expectations, and agendas become so dominant that eventually you stop expressing your own ideas.
This became very clear to me after I changed jobs. In one workplace, I had gradually been conditioned to believe that my work constantly needed fixing. As a result, I stopped bringing forward new ideas. I stopped innovating. I became cautious.
I was adjusting myself simply to remain employed.
And then, one day, I realized something important: it was not that I had nothing valuable to contribute. I had become afraid to say anything because I expected it to be shut down immediately.
I began to wonder how much of my current behavior was genuinely mine—and how much of it was adaptation.
Adaptation itself is not the problem. We all adjust to the people and environments around us. The danger begins when the adjustment becomes automatic—when we continue silencing ourselves even after the circumstances have changed.
I do not want to sound dramatic and say that this kind of environment sucks the soul out of you.
But after a few years, it can start to feel that way.
Unwritten Rules in Our Personal Lives
The interesting thing is that this does not happen only at work.
Years had passed since I had last seen one of my good friends from my youth. When we finally sat down together again, it was wonderful to see someone I had always valued so much and to hear what had been happening in her life.
What I failed to notice at first was that a new pattern had emerged between us. It only became visible to me over time.
Whenever I tried to share something about myself, she would interrupt me or redirect the conversation. Yet she was happy to talk about her own life and everything that was happening in it.
Eventually, I felt that a new unwritten rule had emerged:
We are casual friends now. You do not get to share much of yourself here.
The friendship was operating on a completely different level from the one I remembered.
And this can happen in any kind of relationship. Over time, we all adapt to the expectations around us.
It raises a philosophical question:
“Am I still who I am, or am I simply an adapted version of my circumstances?”
What I Think Helps
I try to surround myself with people who say what they mean without punishing others for disagreeing.
People who address issues directly.
People who communicate their expectations clearly.
People who keep the agreements they make.
When something is wrong, it gets discussed.
When there is a disagreement, it gets addressed.
Then everyone moves on.
To me, that is healthy for the soul.
And I think we are fortunate when we can have that kind of honesty in as many areas of life as possible. It gives us space to remain who we are.
Which unwritten rule are you following—and what might change if you named it aloud?
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