What If We Asked a Few Questions First?
About ten years ago, someone cooked me a dish I had never tried before. The moment I saw it, I said, “Sorry, what exactly is this? Hmm, I don’t like it.” I had not taken a single bite.
A word of advice: do not say this to someone who has just cooked for you.
It was ridiculous to reject the dish before tasting it. Yet I sometimes do something similar with people: I form a judgment before I have learned enough to justify it. What might change if, instead, I asked a few questions and gave the person time to reveal who they are?
I am not arguing that first impressions are always wrong or always right. I am asking whether we can treat them as hypotheses rather than facts: something to notice, then test with curiosity.
The Colleague I Thought I Knew
After several brief interactions, I once decided that a colleague was annoying and that I did not particularly want to be around her. I cannot remember whether it was the pressure of the meetings we attended, but her way of communicating struck me as harsh. That was the label I gave her, based on very little.
Then we were paired up for a conference and had to spend the day together. Of all the people in our large company, I thought, why her? On the train to the conference, I was not looking forward to the day. But when I saw her, she brought a calm, positive energy that immediately surprised me.
As soon as we began talking, I encountered a warmth I had somehow missed. The more questions I asked, the more clearly I saw her, and the less convincing my original judgment became. By the end of the day, my opinion had changed completely.
What had changed? Was I different outside the office? Had the setting shaped our earlier interactions? Had I brought out a defensive side of her, or had she brought out one in me? I could not know. But I realized that my quick judgment had been wrong. I actually liked her.
First Impressions Are Incomplete
Of course, the reverse can happen too: a charming first impression may fade with time. The point is not that every negative judgment is unfair. It is that first impressions are incomplete.
A saying often attributed to Abraham Lincoln captures this idea well: “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”
Why are we so quick to say, “I like this person” or “I don’t like this person”? Usually, we do not truly know them. We know only the small part of them that appeared in one particular interaction.
This does not mean ignoring rudeness, cruelty, or behavior that makes us feel unsafe. We are allowed to dislike what someone does, set boundaries, and decide not to pursue a relationship.
I am thinking about the ordinary, ambiguous encounters of daily life: someone says the wrong thing, seems distant, talks too much, or fails to respond as we expected. From a handful of moments, we construct an entire character.
Positive impressions can mislead us as easily as negative ones. We may feel an immediate connection and assume we have found someone trustworthy, only to discover later that charm and character are not the same.
Leaving Room for Curiosity
I have come to believe that the curious person is often the most interesting person in the room. Curiosity helps us see other people more clearly. It also shifts our attention away from ourselves and toward the person in front of us.
Now, when I don’t like someone, I add the word “yet.”
That single word, yet, leaves room for surprise.
